I'm alive.

Here's photographic proof.

important day

Okay, I can't get my brain to work this morning, but I can't let this day go by without a post.

A year ago today my mom died.

The past year has been horrible, and as much as I hate it, I am having to let myself grieve.

My momma's death was one of the most important days in her life. She is now in heaven, with Jesus, for eternity. My brain can't comprehend eternity, but I am still very much comforted by that. I am also comforted that I will see her again.

I know that I am still on earth to glorify God. Some days that is hard because of the grief (see above) but I am trying. I am a work in progress.

Where will you be in your walk with the Lord when something bad happens, something bad enough to shatter you faith?

What is your concept of God? Buddy, our pastor, always says, "The most important thing about you is your concept of God."

I know that God's timing is perfect. I am thankful for a God that gives and takes away. I am thankful for a God that was and is and will be forever-regardless of me. I am also thankful that He gave me such a wonderful momma for twenty-three years. I am thankful that His love and grace and forgiveness are for everyone.

Whew, a very scattered post, but I had to get some of that out of my head.

we'll see about that...

Chris saw this "chew resistant" pet bed at Sam's Saturday night and decided that Brooks needed it for his tiger cage crate. The material feels like a waterproof snowsuit, which is much different than Brooks' normal bed of fleece and memory foam. When he steps on the new bed, it puffs up on one side and he is convinced that there is a monster inside. It is hilarious. I am pretty sure he hates the new bed and I am certain he will shred it to bits the same day we put it in the crate. We have tried fleece blankets and beach towels and crate mats but nothing survives the wrath of Brooksie. One time he even got a tarp from UNDER his crate while he was IN the crate (???) and shredded it. I wish we had the camera set up that day, like we did here. We used to keep a water bottle on the crate door but he refused to drink out of it and he eventually broke them all. Chris says we should leave the new bed in the living room for a few days to let Brooks take ownership of it and then he won't shred it when we put it in the crate. I am pretty sure all of this will just make a huge mess for me to clean up, but at least I will get a few good blog posts out of this. Stay tuned to see how chew resistant this pet bed really is...

distractions, updates, and Christmas pics

Well, I knew January was going to be a hard month for me emotionally, but I didn't really think it would be this hard. When will I ever realize that I must grieve? Anyway, today has been one year since my mom called me to come back to Little Rock because she was getting sick after her second stem cell transplant. I woke up on this day, and planned on having a good day. My dear friend Megan and her sweet family were going to come over the next day and we were on the phone when my mom called me. It was the last phone call I ever got from her. I am still so thankful that I was able to help as much as I could, even though I will never stop wishing the outcome was different...Enough about all that. I need a distraction, and I'm sure y'all are growing weary of my depressing posts.

I have been working and working and working. My part-time job is about 37 hours a week. Which is pretty much full-time, I think. Chris started his surgical rotation Monday. I am excited for him because being able to be in the OR makes him happy. It makes the last two and half years of madness seem not so bad. Also for the month of January, we have a house guest. Chris's friend Paul (who is a year ahead of Chris in med school) is also doing a surgical rotation in Tuscaloosa, so he is staying with us. I have been making hot chocolate and/or cider every night because of the cold weather. Speaking of cold, Paul will be traveling to the great land of Minnesota for his Mayo residency interview next week. He is going to make pictures for me. I can't wait to hear what he has to say about it. Ideally, Paul and Chris will both end up at Mayo, because it really is the best program in the nation. It would also be great to know someone when we move. What else is going on? Hmm, I am taking down Christmas decor today. I was off last weekend (my first weekend off since October) and I refused to do it then. Last week I bought one of those balance ball things at Dirt Cheap for $9. We also got a new PUR water filter for our sink (our other one broke) for $7. I love Dirt Cheap! I guess it's not for everyone though. I am working hard on toning up. I want to be able to buy a cute bikini and feel confident in it this summer. Yay for goals!

Of course I am not going to post an update and not talk about my dog child. He is spectacular, getting better with age. Brooks gets smarter every day. He brings his dish to the door when he's ready to eat (we keep the dog food in the garage), he fetches his leash when it's time to take a trip or go for a jog, and the newest thing I have taught him is to bring me laundry that I drop on my way to the laundry room. I love that dog! He always comes and nudges my leg if my phone rings or the oven timer beeps and I am in a different room. I didn't teach him those things, and I think he just gets annoyed with all the beeping/ringing.

Now for some Christmas pics. I really don't like making pictures much lately, but we got a few this Christmas. Enjoy!

That is a cinnamon stick from Chris's cider. Brooks LOVES cinnamon. It's bizarre.

the dreaded antlers

Momma & Brooksie

unwrapping his gift

Brooks and his weasel-duck. And Santa & Mrs. Claus.

my guys

The spacing and captions are driving me crazy so I give up! Argh!

maybe this year will be better than the last?

Yes, that is a question mark. 2009 seemed like it was going to be a great year, but it turned out to be the worst year of my twenty-four years of life. I almost vomit when I think about it. On top of dealing with my mother's death, I also have had the wonderful experience of not getting a job. Yes, I still have my part-time retail job, but it would be nice to put my degree to use. I've also decided to wait on pursuing a Master's indefinitely, due to a big move that is coming up in our lives. Chris's schedule has been ridiculous, and that's just the way things are going to be for us. And being the eternal pessimist that I am, I am almost certain that 2009 will not be the worst year of my life. Last year I made some resolutions, and was actually pretty successful with some of them. I'm much healthier. I've lost three pant sizes. I take my vitamins. I think about nutritional value (most of the time). I am much more organized, making lists and menus and calendar reminders and such. My bacne is under control. I have worked really hard (so has Chris) on our marriage. I'm ever so thankful that Chris works so hard and has a job that can take us almost anywhere in the world. I'm also thankful that he just wants me to be happy in life, and wants to enable me to do whatever I want. He makes me feel like a lot less of a loser, which I do feel like most days. He says it's all about perspectives. Sometimes he is right, but don't tell him I said that. I know that 2010 will have many travels for our little fam, as well as getting our house ready to put on the market later in the year. There are many things that we must be prayerful about. There are BIG changes coming our way. (Nope, no babies involved. Maybe in seven or eight years. Maybe.) I haven't really enjoyed making pictures much, so that's something I hope I can be better about this year. I still wish I could be better about using coupons, too. I had also gotten into a really good habit about reading my Bible every night, but the past few weeks I've slipped. I hope to keep that up. Wow, okay, so this is a terribly depressing and scattered post. I did a recap for 2008 on my blog, and that is neat to look back on. Here's my recap for 2009: It sucked. Bad. Even though 2009 was a crap year in my history book, I'm still thankful for salvation and forgiveness and eternal life from Jesus Christ. I wish I could tell you that my life is all sunshine and giggles and that things are on the up, but I just can't do that right now. And it's not biblical to say, "Everything will be fine." I know that God has used some big life changes to get my attention. I'm struggling with letting go of my ways and clinging to God's ways. Wow, there's a resolution.

What am I to you?

I guess it depends on who you ask, but since it's my blog and I am asking myself, I am going to answer. (This is a sign of mental instability, huh? Oh dear.)

I am a God-fearing lady that recognizes (though never enough) that I am a terrible person that has been saved only by the grace of God. I realize that nothing I do will make me good enough for God, but thankfully all I have to do is accept Him and believe! How wonderful! Sort of on the same topic, I don't think that God punishes His people. Jesus paid the price for my sin, and that is that. He suffered so that I wouldn't have to. Not saying that He doesn't allow bad things to happen, because He does. I am constantly working on my eternal perspective. Buddy (the pastor at Hunter Street) says that the most important thing about you is your concept of God. Think about that for a while...

If you have ever talked to me longer than five minutes, then you know that I am absolutely smitten over my husband. Sure, I hassle him on a daily basis, but he really is my most favorite person ever. He is so talented and driven and I am beyond blessed to be able to share a life with him! I am so proud of how he has made goals and worked to achieve his (and our) goals. He is proof that if you work hard, you can be successful. We have been together almost nine years (wow) and married for almost three! We balance each other. Are we always happy? Negative. But we realize that unrealistic expectations and basing actions upon feelings will let us down. Every time. I tell Chris the reason marriage is a lifetime commitment is because it takes that long to get it right.

Of course I say I am a dog-lover, but I really only love my dog. Ha. Just kidding. Sort of. I tell Chris all the time that Brooks is the best "thing" he ever bought me. Brooks is just so hilarious and fun and sweet. We got him a few weeks after we got married, and Chris and I agree that theshubertfam wouldn't be the same without our sweet little pup. I can say with a ninety-nine percent level of confidence that we will never get rid of all the dog hair. He is totally worth the extra vacuuming and dusting. If Brooks could speak English, he would say that I am his favorite person ever and I should never ever leave him in the crate again.

If you ask my friends who I am, I am sure the answer would be a mixture of loud/funny/flaky/ridiculous/way too domesticated friend that NEVER calls them, so they must always call me. Hmm, I need to be a better friend. For sure. But I do pray for my friends almost every time they cross my mind. I hope that helps me be less flaky? Most of the time I am very forward with my thoughts. I feel like I am an approachable person. I love to laugh. I am working on being a better listener.
Of course, you know I lost my mom to cancer. The grief over her physical death has been a process. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person that misses her. I know that's not true, but it is something I have been dealing with lately. I rejoice in the fact that my pain is temporary. I really don't want to sound like a broken record in my posts, but I miss her terribly and I hope you don't mind reading my thoughts as I learn to cope...

I am sure some people would call me lazy...in fact, I am pretty sure people say that. And it's true, depending on your standpoint. I cook three meals a day, clean, and do a lot of other random things (gardening, working on my fitness, playing with Brooks, online shopping...) that take up the day. I do think that it gets on people's nerves that I don't have a job yet. I have applied for jobs, but I am reluctant to take a job that I don't really dig because I am afraid I won't ever advance my career and education (yeah, yeah, Chris won that argument, ha). I am also loving this break! It seems like I was in school forever! I have also used my free time to work on my marriage and myself. I have spent some time reflecting, and I will probably share more things I have found, besides this post. I feel like this break is a once-in-a-lifetime deal, because third year of medical school is crazy-busy and fourth year we will be traveling all over for interviews, and then intern year we will be moving, then kids, and, well, you get the idea. So I don't think I am lazy, but it's okay if you think I am.


What would Dr. Hubby say about me? He says that I am a better writer than a talker. He would probably also say that I should go to grad school and quit wasting my mind staying at home and become his sugar momma again, even though I know he secretly loves me staying at home. He would probably also say that I am so random and I have a difficult time concentrating. He loves my cooking. I don't really know what else, I mean, he says a lot. Maybe we will be fortunate enough for him to leave a comment and let us know what he has to say...

Other random, useless information about me...I like shoes, and painting my toenails, and changing m hair color (see above pictures), and eating good food, lemon drop martinis, fountain cokes, and all things music. I am very much in touch with my inner thirteen year old. I love Twilight, and nineties music, and ice cream.

Okay, so I didn't type all of this to bore you, but I feel like my blog is taking a new direction, and I felt like I needed to get all of this on here so I can improve the quality (and frequency) of my posts! So tell me, who do you think I am?

full circle

It's been a long time since I have written a really long post, so here goes. Yesterday marked the four month anniversary of my mother's physical death. Four months? It seems so far away, yet the pain and sting of death is still very fresh. As I photographed my Asiatic lilies a few days ago, I remembered one of my very first blog posts, around this time last year. Last May, I was worried about my mom, thinking we might only get a few more years together. I was worried about being a good wife, and about my classes and whether or not I would be able to graduate. I never thought death would come so soon. But it did. And while I haven't let her death destroy me, it has definitely knocked me down. The last few weeks have been...better, in some ways. Worse in others. The past few months are nothing more than a blur. I am thankful for that. It really helped the time pass faster. Of course time doesn't make the hurt go away, but it has allowed me to begin to realize how things are (aren't?) for me now. There are several reasons I haven't been posting much lately. I am not going to go into that right now, but I am working on a post to try to describe it while being as tactful as possible (yeah, right). Some of you may know why, and I am still not sure if I will publish the post about it or not. But I might. I realized, as I am stepping out of this mental fog, that I haven't been keeping you updated on our lives like I should. Hmm, what to say? Chris's board exam is OVER and he PASSED! Hooray! We are seriously looking at Mayo for residency. That is a few (two) years away, but the more I look into it, the more appealing it sounds. Not Minnesota, sillies, the residency program and the fact that I will actually get to see my husband. Brooks is seriously the best dog ever. I know I say that all of the time, but he is really getting better with time. He has calmed down some, but he is still a blast to be around. I have spoiled him so much. I am not sure what we are going to do when I start working...speaking of me working...I have been applying for jobs at mental health facilities in Tuscaloosa and Birmingham. I got offered a job in Montgomery, but that is a little too far for me. I have a VERY PROMISING interview coming up soon, so pray that goes well for me! I am still bouncing back and forth about a Master's degree...still haven't taken the GRE. Surprise. I think I will eventually get my Master's, but I may wait until Chris is in residency. Chris and our Sunday School softball team are in play-offs next week. I am still in my church history class, but we are taking a break for two weeks. I have been cooking more than ever lately, but nothing too terribly exciting. Okay, I know most of you won't read all of this, so I posted some pics of what we've been up to lately. I actually made it into a few of these. Shocker, I know. Enjoy!

Family Group Outing

Mother's Day Weekend with Chris's Fam

favorite skirt Mother's Day with my Nana
Brooks was inspecting the planter that Chris built for our vegetable garden. It is absolutely perfect. Because Chris is a perfectionist. Sigh.

Finished product...Eggplant, squash, zucchini, cucumber, jalapenos, bell peppers, and some herbs.

I painted this. Not at Sips n Strokes. At my house. From my mind. Notice the paw print, the caduceus, and the heart. The words are lyrics from our favorite DMB song. It is hanging right by the front door. You should come to our house and see it in real life *cough*Megan*cough*.

I love this face.

My Asiatic Lilies

I meant to show these to you sooner. My dear friend J had these bracelets made out of the flowers from my Mom's funeral. Neat, huh?

Husband Chris Shubert at our Sunday School Crawfish Boil

Mirror Image of theshubertfam. Surprisingly it only took about four shots to capture this one.

...

tried to go to bed at a "normal hour" (eleven or so)...wide awake by three thirty...too hot in the house and bad dreams and acid churning in my stomach...been thinking a lot about family...and what it means...don't really know anymore...scared & confused...nervous a lot...keep asking hcs if i am TOO crazy...according to him, not yet, but not so sure...looking for answers in the wrong places always leads to disappointment...disappointment also comes from relying on others...nothing will ever be the same...starting to come to terms...mind feels like it is going to shut down, but it doesn't...wish it would just work a little bit better but that probably won't happen either...sadness...laughter at inappropriate but funny situations...laughing to keep from crying, singing to keep from screaming...learning to be thankful for small things...Lord, thank you for your goodness and glory and for another day of life and for chris and brooks...and this diet coke.

it happened

The stages of grief DID happen. That is why my posts have been pretty much non-existent. This week and last week are the depression stages. I have no idea how long this will last. Three weeks ago I went through the guilt stage. Last week I had the flu (the virus took advantage of my waysostressed body) that was contracted from my darling husband. Chris's brother was also involved in a terrible accident. He is at home, but he has been through so much, especially for a teenager. We were on the way to Jasper Friday, and Chris casually mentioned that hallucinations were a normal part of the grieving process. No lecture, just a little snippet of information. Okay, that is all for today. Maybe all for this week. Who knows?

round two

Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I drove to Jasper (Brooks had a fit to go, so he tagged along) to meet my dad. I left Brooks at his house, and we drove to Winfield to pick out a "monument" (it's a tombstone, okay) for Mom's grave. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but it bothered me all day. And I was in the car a looong time, so I had a lot of time to think. (I have been thinking about pre-planning my own funeral. Morbid? Yes. More on that later.) After we took care of that, we came back to Jasper to run a few errands. I cleaned Dad's house for him and helped him sort mail. I swapped my camera with my mom's camera. I was also supposed to bring an exercise bike home, but I forgot. I guess we see where my priorities are? Or aren't? On my way out of Walker County, I dropped off our taxes and ran by Chris's grandparents. I met Kristie in Hoover. She made us dinner. I am so glad that our church has been bringing dinner. At first, I thought, "I stay at home, I don't need people to bring us dinner!" but it has been such a relief. It is harder than I thought it would be to get up and try to act normal. Today I woke up, feeling sorry for myself. Such a bad attitude. I think I have made it through all of the stages of grief, and it has started over except that I am experiencing everything AT THE SAME TIME! That is what it seems like, anyway. Luckily, I have lunch plans with Amy and Tyler. Days are better when I get up and get ready and get out of the house.

On the way to Winfield, I went by Cowboy Way to see if they could fix Chris's Justin boot. The stitch is coming out of it, and he got them in October. They took the old ones and ordered him new ones. I was very pleased with their customer service, but Chris is going to be a little bumfuzzled without his beloved boots for a few days. And he'll have to break the new boots in when they arrive. To add to the bumfuzzle-ment, the kind of coffee Chris drinks is no longer being sold. He drinks Member's Mark Colombian from Sam's. It really is good coffee. I need to check online to make sure, but we can't find it in stores. This morning we couldn't find his hat. And he had heartburn last night so he didn't sleep. Did I mention that it is test week and Chris always freaks out, and all of the other stuff just adds to the madness? (I think the freaking out is why he makes A's on tests.) Thursday or Friday Chris is supposed to plan stuff for third year, and last night he was talking about residency and fellowships and interviews and moving to Texas (even though Texas is a little better than Minnesota) and a lot of other things that I didn't want to talk about after my insane day. I guess we will talk today. I just hate thinking about all of that stuff. It is overwhelming. Tomorrow is Chris's LAST OSCE (the practice h&p) so we will practice tonight. That is usually not fun, because I will get a lecture about my right eye and how it shouldn't hurt when he palpates my liver. (Has anyone ever palpated Chris's liver? I didn't think so. IT HURTS!)

what now?

That is really the only thought in my head. Tomorrow Chris will go back to school, Dad will go back to work, and my grandparents will go back to Florida. Brooks and I are going back to Tuscaloosa to unpack and wash clothes and see what kind of shape the house is in...I almost don't remember what my own house looks like. I will probably work on some thank you notes. Dad is coming to our house tomorrow night for dinner. He will be staying with us on and off for the next few weeks, or however long he feels like. We all have a different kind of hurt, so we all have to re-adjust our lives in a different way.

Tuesday night Chris&Dori are bringing dinner to our house. Wednesday I am eating lunch with Megan. I am going to try to have lunch with Amy one day this week or next week (haven't we been trying to get together since August?). One day I am going with Dad to help him pick out a new cell phone. I also have to help him pay bills, since he is pretty new at handling all that stuff.

I didn't even cry last night at the funeral home. I just couldn't, knowing that my mom is in heaven. There were A LOT of people that came to the viewing and the funeral. It was all kind of a blur, a slow-motion blur. Chris said it went by too fast, but I couldn't agree. I only teared up a little today, because I hurt for my dad. I thought the service was very appropriate for my mom. The white casket/white flowers turned out exactly how I wanted it to. (This is turning into a somewhat morbid post, but oh well.) The songs were great.

There were a couple of encounters with dumb people. Most all of them were relatives (actually all three of the dumb encounters were with relatives from one side of the fam, and I am very tempted to state which side, but I won't right now) and they are so dumb that they will never know how silly and inappropriate they acted. And they don't read my blog (I know for a fact) so I guess they will continue to live in ignorance forever. Sigh. If they did read my blog, then they would have had an advanced warning of my intolerance for ridiculousness. Everyone else had wonderful things to say about my mom and dad, or they just said they didn't know what to say. I was overwhelmed by the turn-out. Many people traveled a long way to be there, and I am grateful for that. My parents are truly an incredible example. My mom was such a wonderful lady.

People kept telling me things like, "You're so strong," or "You're such an inspiration," but I don't really feel like that at all. I feel like God placed my family and me exactly where He needed us to be, and He set the standards of how we were supposed to act (re-act? adapt? behave? obey? I think obey works best here), and we rose to the occasion. At least, I feel like we did. I want my mom's story to continue. I guess I typed all of this to say that I am not sure exactly what to do now. But whatever comes next doesn't really matter. God has that figured out for me.

is this going to happen to me?

I've always heard about the seven stages of grief...I have talked to many people that tell me that it will happen, people that have lost loved ones...Maybe since I am wondering if it is going to happen then I am in the disbelief stage...So I googled it so I could be self-aware in the next few months...Apparently everyone doesn't go through all seven stages, and some stages pass more quickly than others. (Also, there are several different versions that I found, but all were basically the same.) Hmm. Very interesting. Does it make it even more interesting that I am evaluating myself?

Seven Stages of Grief

1. Shock & Disbelief

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Guilt

6. Depression

7. Acceptance & Hope

I sat here a reflected over this list for a few minutes. I think that I grieved a lot while in Little Rock. I begged and pleaded with God and got mad at medical staff and wished things were different and played the "what if" game a million times. I am sure the seven stages can be cyclical. I think that the next few days will be hard, but there are definitely more difficult days to come. I talked to my mom at least twice a day. I went shopping with her. She was my enabler (in a good way). It drives me crazy that she won't know my kids, or see Chris become a doctor, or grow old with my dad, or be able to go to the beach with us, or tell me when I am wrong, or what I should do...I can't really think of a good ending for this post so I am just going to stop typing now.

slow-burning fire

I read a book by Paul Loeb called Soul of a Citizen. In one part of the book it talks about taking the raging fury that can consume us and make us forget why we are fighting for change. Transfer that energy into a slow-burning fire, so that it can be used to change the world. This sounds a little weird (Chris doesn't approve of my "crazy liberal books") but it is very applicable in my life right now.

I am sure that everyone has read my mom's CaringBridge update by now. My dad asked me not to bash anyone in the update, so I will say what I need to say on my blog. (Yay for blogs!) We had another wild day. Last night was horrible. Mom's fever and cough worsened, and she also had tremors. We went to the clinic this morning. The nurse told us that the CT showed that Mom has pneumonia. I was shocked because Dr. Jerky McJerkerson didn't even want her to have a CT. Dad and I went (more like marched down the hall) to the charge nurse at the main desk. All of the other nurses and some other patients were within hearing distance. I asked the charge nurse what he was going to do. He kinda shrugged and stuttered and said there still weren't any rooms available. My hands were shaking because I was so infuriated. (My anger is not directed at him because there were no rooms but that it took so long for someone to admit that there was a problem.) There were stacks of charts on the counter, and I actually thought about throwing the charts down the hall. I knew it would cause a big mess and I WANTED to cause a big mess, to express how I was feeling at that moment. But I reeled it in, and told him that it was fine that they didn't have any rooms. I would just put her on a plane and we would take her to UAB because I know that they would admit her. I told him, "I WANT MY MOTHER TO BE ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL AND OBSERVED BY A PHYSICIAN!!!" He told me he understood, and he would consult with Dr. Jerky to see what they could do. I said no, that is not acceptable either, because he is a rude, terrible physician. His eyes got really wide and he said that he would call Dr. Jerk's boss. Okay, I can deal with that. We went to Mom's room, and I called her myeloma doctor's CELL PHONE and left a message. Dad called the head myeloma research nurse to tell her that we were going to be admitted at UAMS and if that wasn't possible then we were flying home to be admitted to UAB. She said that wasn't a good idea, and good ol' Dave said, "I'll tell you what isn't a good idea..." Anyway, a little while after all that she started coughing and got out of breath and started getting tremors, worse than last night. Her O2 level was 48 (90 is around normal). Her heart rate jumped to around 180, her nails got blue, and they couldn't detect a pulse. She was conscious during all of this, and her blood was circulating, not very well. A rapid response team came bursting in and put her on some oxygen, then carried her to ICU. It was so scary. The oxygen has helped get her heart rate back to normal, and she is still coughing some. Chris told me this morning that he thought it sounded like a fungal pneumonia, since the fever was not responding to antibiotics. After I got off the phone with Chris, I asked the charge nurse if she had been test for fungal pneumonia and he said that she had, and it was negative. Guess what the head infectious disease doc diagnosed her with at 5:30 tonight? PCP, which is fungal pneumonia, which is what a second year med student thought. (The smartest med student ever, and when am I gonna learn he is NEVER wrong about this stuff?) How frustrating to deal with such people! I am glad that she is FINALLY in a room, after 11 days of running fevers and Dad and myself telling people that something is not right. The head infectious disease physician seems to know what is going on. I will have a better judgement in the morning.

Back to the slow-burning fire. No one should go through what my mom did. She was so sick, and her symptoms should have been addressed last week. I am going to start by writing a letter, and maybe sending some emails, and I will probably make a few more phone calls. I have really thought about what to say. I have to keep my anger suppressed but still existing in order to express my thoughts and concerns in a manner that will be heard. I am not doing this to say, "I told you so," I am simply demanding (yes, demanding) better care for myeloma patients, especially the ones that temporarily move to Little Rock for treatment. What makes me so mad is that her myeloma is in full remission and she is doing great in that aspect, but the wahoos at UAMS can't even tell when a patient has pneumonia? Unacceptable. Mom has to come back two more times for chemo consolidation, plus every few months for testing. These problems MUST be dealt with. I insist.

There is a lot from today that I left out. I am running on fumes, so I am going to bed now. Feel free to ask questions, because this may not make any sense at all as I type thru my delirium...

Please continue to pray for patience for me. Peace for my dad. Healing for my mom.

most frustrating day

Whew. Take a breath. We are finally home from the hospital. I did not strangle anyone. I didn't even yell. I raised my voice a little, but just loud enough to be taken seriously.

My mom has been fighting a fever for over a week. She goes to a clinic every day, but she doesn't see a physician every day, just once a week. Her physician's office is in a different building. I was already frustrated that no one was addressing her fever. One-oh-three and one-oh-four fevers are not something that should be taken lightly, especially in a person with no immune system. I was also frustrated because the nurses at the clinic were inconsistent in hand-washing and verifying name and date of birth (these kind of mistakes lead to things like RSV or drug errors). I expressed these concerns to the myeloma doctor. She didn't understand why the nurses at the clinic did not seek a physician's advice over Mom's situation. Then the myeloma doctor called an infectious disease specialist in the room to see Mom. I told him that someone had dropped the ball (those were my exact words) and I wanted to know why this hadn't been addressed. Apparently, he was the ball-dropper. He got all defensive. I told him there was no need to be defensive, I just want her issues to be addressed NOW. He said that if Dad and I couldn't take care of her, then she should be admitted. I told him that we were perfectly capable of taking care of her, but that I thought it was spectacular for her to be admitted so she could be observed by someone besides nurses. (I am NOT bashing nurses, nurses are great. I just feel in this situation a physician/s should have been involved.) He snapped at Dad when Dad told him that the antibiotics weren't helping. He called for her to be admitted, only to discover that there were no beds in the hospital. We waited about an hour while the nurses argued on the phone for a bed, no luck. He said we could go to the ER (gross, germs, STILL no bed) or back to the clinic. We went to the clinic and got more fluids. We also found out that the infectious disease doctor did not order the fluids and tests Mom needed. What a jerk. We finally got that straight, after I threatened to take her to UAB (oh yes, I did). Her myeloma doctor and the infectious disease doctor seemed to be clashing over course of treatment. We went and had a CT scan. No one can tell us if the RSV is causing the fever. She has no other symptoms, she tested positive on a culture. I understand that antibiotics don't help viral infections, and I understand that there isn't a test to diagnose the flu or a common cold, and I understand that her immune system is compromised so her body reacts differently than normal. I don't understand how someone can think it is no big deal for a person to be fighting a one-oh-four fever for over a week. Anyway, I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day. I don't think I have ever been so frustrated in my life. I also told myeloma doctor and jerky doctor that we came to UAMS because it is supposed to be the best, but I did not feel that we had received the best treatment. The standard of care received was poor, and it is unacceptable for it to continue. I also told a nurse that we pay the insurance company that pays the clinic and physicians, and they are providing a service to us.

I didn't yell today. I don't regret anything I said or did today. My mom is fighting for her life, and my dad is right beside her. I don't mind speaking up for them. If things don't improve in the next few days, I will jump up and down on someones desk if that's what I have to do to get some quality care. I am praying really hard that it doesn't come to that. I know that my God reigns, and He is in control. We will go home when it's time.

dusting baseboards is my least favorite chore

I haven't posted lately because there hasn't been much to post. I have been sleeping a lot, reading Jane Eyre again, and cooking. That's about it. I did get out of the house Monday to go to the banks and to purchase groceries. I have been organizing here and there, but no real progress. My motivation comes in waves. Yesterday I washed all of the serving pieces above the kitchen cabinets and did six loads of laundry. Today I mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, and I am procrastinating about the baseboards. It hurts my back and knees to dust them. Oh well. Brooks has enjoyed me being at home with him. Tomorrow I may or may not apply for some jobs. I don't have much to say, so I will post our menu for the week. (I guess having a menu and sticking to it is an accomplishment.)

Monday-Taco Soup

Tuesday-Prosciutto and Arugula Pizza (I even made the dough.)

Wednesday-Spicy chicken with sauteed collards

Thursday-Chicken Salsa

Friday-Asian meatballs with edamame and rice

Now back to those baseboards...

the resolution(s)

Resolutions aren't always a bad thing. Last year my only resolution was to be more organized. NOT to be the most organized person EVER, just to improve my organization skills (or lack thereof). And it worked. Our closets are orderly, as are most of the kitchen cabinets. I have given up on the pantry. Every couple of weeks Chris comes behind me and straightens it up for me. I was better about keeping my school stuff in order. And our garage, well, it's not so great. But my point is I feel like I bettered myself. And that feels good.

Some resolutions for 2009:

Take the GRE. This is gonna be sooner than later because the job market is non-existent so I might as well study.

Make an appointment for the eye doctor. Apparently my husband knows what he is talking about. My right eye is getting worse. Oh, and I need to go to the dentist, too.

Be healthier. Brooks and I are going to start jogging around the neighborhood again. And I am going to start planning our weekly menus again. We always eat better when I do that.

Spend more time with Chris. It seems that this is a constant problem in our relationship. Since we won't be commuting together, we might get to see each other about four hours a week or something like that. Scariness. I guess med school just helps couples get ready for residency...

Find a job. There is an opening at a place that I REALLY REALLY want to work, but I am not sure if I meet all of the qualifications. I am going to apply anyway. If that doesn't work out, I am going to get a part-time job while I study for the GRE. Because I am really bored.

Be less flaky. Yes, I have got to be one of the biggest flakes ever. I am not sure how to be less flaky, but I am sure that Chris will be more than glad to hold me accountable to this resolution. (Isn't it hilarious that a flaky person is making resolutions?)

Have an eternal perspective. This is my most important resolution. A few weeks ago at church, Buddy told us we need to have an eternal perspective, because that is God's perspective. This really stuck with me. So often I get caught up in worldliness and petty little every day things, and I forget. I am so thankful that God doesn't forget about me.

"Better is possible. It does not take genius. It takes diligence. It takes moral clarity. It takes ingenuity. And above all, it takes a willingness to try." ~Atul Gawande

What if I want to play Scrabble?

Chris has been coaching me about my "career development." I wasn't planning on having a career (I don't plan, remember?) but apparently I was supposed to do that sometime in the last four and a half years. Hmm. Anyway, Husband Chris Shubert* said that I SHOULD NOT apply to jobs in the classified ads. What??? He said to apply where I want to work. I guess that does make sense. He also said that I need to take a few weeks and write a personal statement to find out what I want to do, and that will help me decide about graduate school and what I want to do. Oh, okay. I wanted to get a part-time job and study for the GRE, but Husband Chris Shubert said that is a bad idea. He doesn't think I should make a move that isn't going to further improve my career.

So now that you know what Chris thinks, I will tell you what I think. I don't think I will look back on my life when I am eighty and think, "Wow, I sure am glad that I went to grad school so I could make $30,000 more a year," or "I had a great career!" My life goals are not at all centered around a career. I want a JOB, not a CAREER. For now, anyway. I want to work so we can do fun things, like travel and buy shoes. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life! How can a twenty-three year old decide what to do FOREVER? Nah, that is not my style. Right now my approach for developing my career is trial-and-error. I don't know what I want to do, so I am going to try some things before I make a commitment. Chris said that approach is much like my approach at checkers. I stink at checkers because I don't evaluate all possible moves. I told him that I like playing checkers, but one day I might change my mind and want to play Scrabble. (I rock at Scrabble.) He didn't care much for my response to his checkers analogy.

Chris and I have different perspectives (ya think?). It must be hard for him, because he has been called into a field that requires much planning and commitment (fourteen years of school). I know he just wants me to be happy and reach my full potential. And he worries about what I would do if something happens to him. I reassured him that I am going to grad school, and reminded him that there aren't any babies in our plans for at least five years. I think this comforted him somewhat, but I know it still drives him crazy that I don't have a plan. And I know this post will grind his nerves. At least he will have clean socks until I make a decision.

*Husband Chris Shubert is the way Chris is listed in my crackberry. I entered his name, and under title I entered "husband" so the crackberry dubbed him Husband Chris Shubert. So that is what I usually call him. Because it sounds so official.

to-do lists are a waste of potential time

Here is my to-do list today:

Laundry (Chris didn't have any of the socks he likes to wear, or any white undershirts.)

Put away clothes (There is a clothes basket that has been in the bedroom for three weeks now.)

Dishes (Dishwasher hasn't been unloaded in five days or so.)

Vacuum

Swiffer

Clean out garage-take stuff to consignment and Goodwill

Change sheets

Upload graduation pics to Picasa so my fan club can admire my greatness (pics are on facebook and myspace)

Wrap some presents

Pick up the various mail/paper clutter scattered around the house

Here is my to-do list that I can actually do:

I updated my facebook and myspace profile (Priorities!)

I ordered some Christmas presents on the internet this morning (around 1am, that still counts, doesn't it?)

Toasted a bagel and fixed a to-go cup of coffee for husband

Drank some coffee

Had an IM conversation with Megan

Gathered clothes hangers

Eat

Play with the dog

Wash some clothes

Cook dinner

Put off my real to-do list to watch What Not To Wear

Put away/wrap some of my weekend purchases

Fold towels

Clorox counter tops

Clean bathrooms

Forget to floss

Skip working out

Read for fun

anomie

My anomie is coming from a lack of direction. I am starting to stress about finishing the semester, finding a job that pays well, establishing a career, and grad school. Oh, I am also stressing about other everyday things, too. I don't really have anything else to say. I am just so overwhelmed.

37 paper towels

For my research methods class, I had to record everything we threw away in our household for four consecutive days.I chose to observe our kitchen trash can, because of the central location and the frequency of use. This project confirmed my suspicions, that we are wasteful Americans. I am (supposed to be) working on forming a four page paper from the data I collected, and arranging the data into categories. It would probably be helpful for me to attempt to explain some of the things in the trash, but it will be fun to let you make your own observations about theshubertfam...

RAW DATA
Straw-3
Plastic food label-1
Diet Coke Box-12 pack-1
Gala apple sticker-1
Paper towels-37
Paper-1
Ramen wrapper and seasoning-1
Half a bowl uneaten Ramen noodles
Candle-2
Walmart plastic bag-1
Publix plastic bag-1
Green top from leek-1
Twist tie-1
Butter wrapper-Land O Lakes-1
Butternut squash pulp/shell-2
Zip-top from carrot bag-1
Plastic produce bag-1
Dryer sheets-5
Dryer lint-5
Diet Coke can-4
Old tortilla shells-4
Chocolate chip bag-2 (1 Hershey brand, 1 Ghiradelli brand)
Coffee filter/grounds-5
Clorox wipes-7
Oatmeal packet-Publix brand-1
Napkin-4
Ziploc freezer bag-1
Shrimp shells-20
Wilted lettuce-1 head
Wilted cilantro-2 bunches
Wilted celery-1 bunch
Plastic container of ginger-1
Styrofoam mushroom container-1
Box of Swanson chicken broth-1
Empty minute-rice plastic bag-1
Can of coconut milk-1
Tea bags-4
Light bulb-1
Sunflower seed hulls-1 cup
Lime rinds-2
Dog hair/dust-2 vacuum containers
Swiffer pad-1
Half and half container-1
Sandwich bag-store brand-2
Beer bottle-16
Cardboard beer case-six pack-3
Pizza box-2
Parchment paper-2
Note -1
Jif peanut butter jar-1
Empty bottle of vegetable oil-1
Paper towel tube-1
Plastic paper towel cover-1
Eggshell-1
Paper plate-1
Uneaten fried pickles-2
Kleenex-1