even when the earth crumbles under my feet

I typed this on July 8, 2008, but I didn't post it. I have decided to share it now.

Sometimes I wonder if everything is really going to be okay. I am not sure about school, or my mom, or my marriage, my mental health and all the little things. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I am not going to be able to take my next breath. Chris and I have been faced with a lot of major decisions lately. I guess it's just part of being a grown up. I have been struggling about what classes, if any, to take this fall. I won't get an internship, and I won't graduate in December. If I make a D in finance, I may not ever be accepted to graduate school. We have talked about things like me being away from home for weeks at the time. And even more serious things like genetic testing. But on the flip side, God has given me an opportunity to care for my mom during this difficult time. Chris is really supportive of me. Our marriage has gotten stronger, even though we don't see each other as much. So why I am whining? Good question. I have been arguing with God about several issues, and I am pretty sure He won. I know all of this stuff I am going through is for a greater purpose, but sometimes I want to say, "God, are you sure all of this is supposed to be happening to me?" I don't, because I know the answer. But I still want to ask sometimes.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

end of march pics

chillin' like a villain

do NOT take my picture

pouting when I left to go play with pregomego and QD...he wanted to go, too.

Happy Birthday MIL!

Connie and Patrick came to our house today to celebrate her birthday. I was feeling super-spunky, so I decided to not only make a cake, but decorate that cake in a very cute fashion. It turned out better than I anticipated. I also made a birthday banner to coordinate with the cake.

Then, I was still feeling spunky so I decided to make my own blackening seasoning for the shrimp. I heart The Food Network. It turned out to be pretty delicious. And cute. Yay me.

i can't get myself to go away

I have many things to post about. Last night I read through some old posts. I am even flakier than I gave myself credit for. I still haven't made an appointment to see an eye doctor or cleaned out the garage or really gotten the guest room in acceptable order. 2009 is not going how I want it to be going so far. I thought for sure my mom would be home and doing well, and I would be establishing my career and trying to get into grad school. Instead I can't find a job, I keep procrastinating the GRE, and I mope around a lot missing my mom. I have been in somewhat of a mental fog the past few weeks, and I am starting to come out of it a little. Re-reading some posts help me re-focus some thoughts. Sort of. As much as I can re-focus, I guess. I just have to say that God's planning is so perfect, and it really is hard for me to wrap my head around that. I mean, I always knew that, but the more things I think about and go over in my head, the more I realize His goodness. Of course sometimes I think, "Why us?" but of course I know the answer to that. Why not us? I started on my book over the weekend. I have been keeping all of these thoughts in my head, and I just had to get them out in writing. It will probably take me five years or so to finish, but that is okay. I always thought I would write a book of some kind, but never about patient advocacy/TQM. Chris has also been blind-siding me with some things, like babies and moving and such. Let me tell you, having a discussion about when to have a child is the most surreal and weird conversation I have ever participated in. After we finished talking about it, I asked Chris if we really just did that. I am way more freaked out about the whole kid thing than Chris. I am just now starting to be okay with having a kid, but apparently Chris thinks about it all the time. We talked about sooner than later, but decided for later. However, 2009 ISN'T going as planned, so God may have something in store. Ha. The Texas trip is exciting though. Chris will not have another break from school until August 2010. We got his schedule for third year today. Starting in July, he will be on call every third day. Madness. Like I said before, med school is just getting us ready for residency. 2009 has made me realize how many wonderful people I have in my life, and that is pretty spectacular. Right now I am trying to be patient and see what God has in store for us next. Like I said, His timing is perfect.

BDE (best dog ever)

I thought the purple tint would look great on my purple blog...

I realized yesterday that I haven't posted any pictures in a while, and my dad really enjoys showing off the grand-dog. Lately I haven't felt like making many pictures, but I will try to be better since the weather is nice. The pictures didn't turn out like I wanted them to. I need to take a class to learn how to use this camera. Maybe I would take more pictures if I knew how. Brooks got a new duck last night (see picture four) and he is so happy. We will see how long this one lasts. The most recent duck survived five weeks or so.

decided

Remember a few weeks ago when I said I was going to write down all of the dumb things people say to grieving people and write them down? Well, there are TOO many to mention. Here are a few major no-nos. I don't think it is okay to contact your ex-spouse, or inquire about financial situations, or even say you know what that person is going through. Sure, we all know what it is like to lose a loved one, but every situation is different. I have decided that THE ONLY thing that is appropriate to say is, "I'm praying for you." Not, "She is in a better place," or ,"She is watching over us," or or anything like that. I know where my mother is, that would be heaven. I don't think she turned into an angel either. If you can find the scripture in the bible that talks about people turning into angels after death, please, post that on here. I would love to see it. It also weirds me out because people I have never talked to want to talk to me about this. I am not depressed. I would know if I was. Mental health classes even have a scale to help determine depression. And people in medical school are taught to recognize depression, too. In my sociology classes, we always talk about the importance of social networks. I even had to draw a diagram one time. I must say that I am very blessed and have a great social web.

I know people's intentions are good. If there weren't people that were concerned, I am sure I would be posting about how I don't have any friends and that no one loves me.

Every week is test week...

until April 13th. Chris started really studying for his board exam on Monday. Sunday he sat down and made a study schedule (yep) and he has even scheduled breaks during each day. We have been taking Brooks for a walk and we try to eat at least one meal together. It is really stressful on Chris, which is really stressful on me, too. We are both ready for this to be O-V-E-R. We have been playing checkers lately. I am the worst checker player ever, and Chris really enjoys watching my confusion. Anyway, back to the board exam, Chris should rock out. But of course, this doesn't prevent the stressing out. I have the ingredients to make oatmeal raisin cookies, but I haven't yet.

Still more-random-than-usual occurrences in our home. I am starting to think that we will just always be weird. Hmmm.

• I haven't heard back from any job applications.
• I made a strawberry cake.
• I bought ANOTHER pair of shoes.
• I have eaten red meat four times since Saturday. (We NEVER eat red meat. Well, hardly ever.)
• I am knocking out the details of the Texas trip. There may or may not be surfing lessons involved...
• We are trying but not succeeding at teaching Brooks a new trick.
• I have vacuumed four times this week.
  

It is seriously time to get a job. This is way outta control.

strange occurences

Some more-random-than-usual things have happened in theshuberthome this week. Hmm.

• My Dad and Chris got iPhones Sunday. iPhones pretty much rock my face off, and I can't wait until June so I can get one, too. Yes, I am going to retire the blackberry soon.
• When Brooks and I were jogging the other day, he pooed WHILE WE WERE RUNNING DOWN THE STREET! He didn't even slow down or squat or anything. (Okay, this is more funny than random, and I can't believe that I am posting about dog poo. So that IS random.)
• I added wiki and random useless knowledge to my blog. I am not sure if I like it or not. Opinions?
• Chris and I went on a date. To the movies. We saw Watchmen. I don't think I recommend it. Maybe if you have three hours to spare, and it just happens to come on TV. For free. Then it might be okay to watch. It was too long and very graphic. It was fun to spend some time with Chris. We ate Twizzlers and popcorn and drank giant fountain cokes. We haven't been out together in so long. We went to the grocery store after the movie, which is always fun.
• I got a response for a job application today. The email stated that I didn't meet the qualifications for the position. That position would be a secretary. At the Tuscaloosa VA Hospital. A person with administrative experience and a bachelor's degree is not qualified. I was pretty happy though, because I didn't want to work there. I applied at a place today where I REALLY want to work.
• I am finalizing plans for our Texas trip. I am getting excited! (The fact that UAB is paying for most of it makes it even more exciting.) Galveston has WARM weather. I heart the beach!
• I haven't washed my hair since Tuesday night. And it still looks spectacular. I think it has more color in it than usual, so when I actually take the time to dry it straight, it lasts longer. Yay.
• We received yet another piece of mail addressed to Christopher Shaker. (You must be a long-time follower to find this is amusing.)
• I think Chris and I officially agreed on an ideal time to have kids. Don't get too excited. It won't be any time soon. And we probably won't even live in Alabama when we become parents.

it happened

The stages of grief DID happen. That is why my posts have been pretty much non-existent. This week and last week are the depression stages. I have no idea how long this will last. Three weeks ago I went through the guilt stage. Last week I had the flu (the virus took advantage of my waysostressed body) that was contracted from my darling husband. Chris's brother was also involved in a terrible accident. He is at home, but he has been through so much, especially for a teenager. We were on the way to Jasper Friday, and Chris casually mentioned that hallucinations were a normal part of the grieving process. No lecture, just a little snippet of information. Okay, that is all for today. Maybe all for this week. Who knows?

pupsicle