important day

Okay, I can't get my brain to work this morning, but I can't let this day go by without a post.

A year ago today my mom died.

The past year has been horrible, and as much as I hate it, I am having to let myself grieve.

My momma's death was one of the most important days in her life. She is now in heaven, with Jesus, for eternity. My brain can't comprehend eternity, but I am still very much comforted by that. I am also comforted that I will see her again.

I know that I am still on earth to glorify God. Some days that is hard because of the grief (see above) but I am trying. I am a work in progress.

Where will you be in your walk with the Lord when something bad happens, something bad enough to shatter you faith?

What is your concept of God? Buddy, our pastor, always says, "The most important thing about you is your concept of God."

I know that God's timing is perfect. I am thankful for a God that gives and takes away. I am thankful for a God that was and is and will be forever-regardless of me. I am also thankful that He gave me such a wonderful momma for twenty-three years. I am thankful that His love and grace and forgiveness are for everyone.

Whew, a very scattered post, but I had to get some of that out of my head.

maybe this year will be better than the last?

Yes, that is a question mark. 2009 seemed like it was going to be a great year, but it turned out to be the worst year of my twenty-four years of life. I almost vomit when I think about it. On top of dealing with my mother's death, I also have had the wonderful experience of not getting a job. Yes, I still have my part-time retail job, but it would be nice to put my degree to use. I've also decided to wait on pursuing a Master's indefinitely, due to a big move that is coming up in our lives. Chris's schedule has been ridiculous, and that's just the way things are going to be for us. And being the eternal pessimist that I am, I am almost certain that 2009 will not be the worst year of my life. Last year I made some resolutions, and was actually pretty successful with some of them. I'm much healthier. I've lost three pant sizes. I take my vitamins. I think about nutritional value (most of the time). I am much more organized, making lists and menus and calendar reminders and such. My bacne is under control. I have worked really hard (so has Chris) on our marriage. I'm ever so thankful that Chris works so hard and has a job that can take us almost anywhere in the world. I'm also thankful that he just wants me to be happy in life, and wants to enable me to do whatever I want. He makes me feel like a lot less of a loser, which I do feel like most days. He says it's all about perspectives. Sometimes he is right, but don't tell him I said that. I know that 2010 will have many travels for our little fam, as well as getting our house ready to put on the market later in the year. There are many things that we must be prayerful about. There are BIG changes coming our way. (Nope, no babies involved. Maybe in seven or eight years. Maybe.) I haven't really enjoyed making pictures much, so that's something I hope I can be better about this year. I still wish I could be better about using coupons, too. I had also gotten into a really good habit about reading my Bible every night, but the past few weeks I've slipped. I hope to keep that up. Wow, okay, so this is a terribly depressing and scattered post. I did a recap for 2008 on my blog, and that is neat to look back on. Here's my recap for 2009: It sucked. Bad. Even though 2009 was a crap year in my history book, I'm still thankful for salvation and forgiveness and eternal life from Jesus Christ. I wish I could tell you that my life is all sunshine and giggles and that things are on the up, but I just can't do that right now. And it's not biblical to say, "Everything will be fine." I know that God has used some big life changes to get my attention. I'm struggling with letting go of my ways and clinging to God's ways. Wow, there's a resolution.

Thankful~Psalm 147

1 Praise the LORD.
How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.

3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.

5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.

6 The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.

7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make music to our God on the harp.

8 He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.

9 He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.

10 His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;

11 the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.

12 Extol the LORD, O Jerusalem;
praise your God, O Zion,

13 for he strengthens the bars of your gates
and blesses your people within you.

14 He grants peace to your borders
and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.

15 He sends his command to the earth;
his word runs swiftly.

16 He spreads the snow like wool
and scatters the frost like ashes.

17 He hurls down his hail like pebbles.
Who can withstand his icy blast?

18 He sends his word and melts them;
he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.

19 He has revealed his word to Jacob,
his laws and decrees to Israel.

20 He has done this for no other nation;
they do not know his laws.
Praise the LORD.

What more can I be thankful for than a God who loves me? I know I don't deserve anything, but my blessings are many in numbers. Eternal life through Jesus Christ. Hope. A Godly, hard-working husband that I can grow and learn with. A giant pup. A house. A job. Parents that loved and enabled me. A country in which I can worship freely. A lifestyle that I can do pretty much anything that I choose. Health. Good hair. Even if all of these earthly things vanished, I still have God. I still have hope in Him. I have eternal life, and for that I will praise the Lord and give thanks!

stranded

Have you ever been stranded? It is a most terrible position in which to be. I have a stranded story (and it happened in Walker County) that really made me think about some things. I will share. You may laugh and think it's corny, but I know you're gonna read it because I am just that fascinating.

My grandparents from Florida came up for a quick visit earlier this week. They were staying with my aunt in-the-middle-of-nowhere, Walker County. I have been there many times, but usually Chris drives me. Brooks and I went for a visit. I turned into the wrong driveway, and I realized it almost immediately. I could still see the main road. I put my car in reverse, and began to back down the driveway (which was a steep hill) not thinking about all the recent rain, and my giant SUV slid into a ditch. The entire driver's side was leaning and wedged against an embankment. I tried to shift gears and get out, but I was afraid I would damage the car, or get stuck even worse in the mud. I was SO MAD at myself. I hate doing dumb things like this. My dad was underground in the mines performing an inspection, my husband was on call at the hospital in Tuscaloosa, and my cell phone had no signal. I really love and respect my husband and my dad, but any time I get in a situation from doing something silly, I get lectures, questions, and maybe comments that make me feel even sillier. So I was just a teeny bit glad I couldn't call either one of them to tell them about my latest predicament.

I climbed out of the car (really, I had to push the passenger door up with my legs) in my brand-new super-cute striped heels (my poor dog-child was having a full-blown panic attack in the very back of my giant SUV) and walked down the driveway waving my cell phone around to try to get signal. I called my Grandaddy and told him the road I was on, and he said he was on the way. I was worried because my grandparents usually drive their Toyota Camry when they come to Alabama, and I knew that wouldn't be much help. I waited and waited and waited. It was drizzling rain, there were mosquitoes, and Brooks was panicking even more because I was having a full-blown panic attack at this point. I kept thinking, "Are there gonna be some crazy rednecks that are gonna shoot me for being stuck in their driveway?" I wondered if I should try to flag someone down to help pull me out, or if I should go ahead and call a tow-truck. I was just so angry at myself for messing up, and I could still see the main road for cryin' out loud! I just hate doing dumb things like this. My parents raised me to be a mostly-responsible adult. Getting stuck in the mud is NOT RESPONSIBLE. As all these million things were going through my head, I realized I feel stranded in my life right now. I can't seem to land a job, Chris is super-busy all the time, I miss my mom a little bit more every day, I have no idea where we will be moving, and my life is just so different than I had planned. I absolutely believe that the exact place I am in right now is where God wants me. I am not in a comfort zone by any means. So I feel stranded, but really I'm not. God is with me. He will put me in a different place when He sees fit. All I can do is ask God to help me. All I can do is cling to Him during these difficult times. He has always provided for me, He is providing for me now, and He will continue to provide for me in the future. But I have to ask Him to provide for me. To save me. To take away the sin and the mistakes, even the unintentional stuff, but especially the intentional sin and struggles. I didn't ask to for my difficult situation to be taken away, I just asked that God stay with me. As I stood there in the rain, swatting off mosquitoes, I just began to cry. God is the same, He is so good, regardless of where I am or how I feel or my latest mistake. And He used getting stuck in a ditch and having to ask for help to get my attention. I cannot fix my situation. I cannot take control without causing more damage. I must wait, and trust God.

My Grandaddy got there about minutes later (and he drove their 4Runner this trip, whew). It seemed like a lot longer to me. He didn't say one single negative thing to me, he just hugged me. I was just glad that he was there. He evaluated the situation, and told me to get in the driver's seat. He stood in front of my car, and told me which way to turn the wheel. He guided me, and I listened. After a few seconds, I was out of the ditch. No tow truck, no dents or scratches, no damages to the driveway, or injuries for the dog-child or myself (or my new shoes). The situation wasn't nearly as bad as I had created it to be in my head. I knew if I kept tyring to get out of the ditch on my own, then I would have inflicted more damage. As silly as I felt, I had to ask for help.

Psalm 121
A song of ascents. Of David.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

I always feel like my thoughts make sense in my head, and I have a hard time getting them out of my head and explaining to others. It has been laid on my heart to share this experience. I ask God for guidance and direction daily. How can I feel stranded when the creator of the universe is my God? I have said it before, but it really is so comforting to have a God that I can go to with all of my problems and just ask Him for help. The help doesn't always come in a way pleasing to me, but in a way that glorifies Him. He has saved me from the ultimate predicament, death. Do you ever feel stranded? Do you have a difficult time asking others for help? Do you have a hard time asking God to save you?

Light the Night: A Special Tribute to a Special Girl

Let me start of by saying that last week was a hard week for me, as far as my grief. No real reason really, I was just sad and having a pity party for myself. Sometimes I feel like people have forgotten about my mom, or I feel like I am the only person that misses her. I know this is not true AT ALL, but it's just one of the things I contemplate at my pity parties. Tuesday night, I laid in bed praying and crying, asking God for peace and comfort. I must digress to say it is so comforting to have a God that I can go to with my issues and weakness and struggles and HE WILL PROVIDE for me. Over the next two days, I got three TOTALLY UNEXPECTED phone calls from people just calling to check on me and tell me they miss my mom, too. Friday some dear family friends called and invited me to dinner, some people that most definitely miss my mom almost as much as I do. I can't make this stuff up, folks. My God is continuing to provide for me, even my seemingly petty and selfish needs.

I guess you are wondering about the special girl mentioned in the title of this post. As if God didn't show up enough last week and carry me through my issues, I got an email in my facebook inbox Monday night. This is what it said:

Hey Amanda!

I don't know if you know how much you know about the Light the Night fundraiser, but it's just a fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for research on blood cancers. We asked people at church to donate money to it, and I just wanted to let you know that I made the donation in memory of your mom since she has battled a blood cancer too. I figured everyone at church would be happy about that too since she was so important to so many people. If you want to see the website, the address is http://pages.lightthenight.org/al/Florence09/BeccaRoberts

Hope you are doing well.
You're still in my prayers.
Love,
Becca

***

What else can I say but W-O-W?!? God continued to show up during my weak, selfish moments. Becca is a year younger than me. We went to middle school and high school together, and we also attended the same church during that time. A few months ago she was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Becca is a very special girl and I admire her for turning her less-than-ideal situation into something that will benefit others. SHE IS MY AGE, DEALING WITH A HORRIBLE DISEASE, AND SHE IS HELPING OTHERS. Again, W-O-W. You can read about her on the above link, and I hope you do. You may even feel led to donate, and that is great if you chose to help the cause financially.

I asked her if she minded if I shared the link on my blog, and she told me to go for it. Of course she doesn't know how greatly this impacted me, and I am not even sure this post can convey how grateful I am for the works God is using (and has used, and will continue to use) through others to help me through my struggles.

I hope this spiderweb story makes sense. Thanks for reading about my struggles and about Becca...

watch this

Hunter Street did this a few weeks ago. Just watch it, I can't really even say anything about it except that God is in control, even when it may not seem like it.

A Time for Everything (Ecclesiastes 3)

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

even when the earth crumbles under my feet

I typed this on July 8, 2008, but I didn't post it. I have decided to share it now.

Sometimes I wonder if everything is really going to be okay. I am not sure about school, or my mom, or my marriage, my mental health and all the little things. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I am not going to be able to take my next breath. Chris and I have been faced with a lot of major decisions lately. I guess it's just part of being a grown up. I have been struggling about what classes, if any, to take this fall. I won't get an internship, and I won't graduate in December. If I make a D in finance, I may not ever be accepted to graduate school. We have talked about things like me being away from home for weeks at the time. And even more serious things like genetic testing. But on the flip side, God has given me an opportunity to care for my mom during this difficult time. Chris is really supportive of me. Our marriage has gotten stronger, even though we don't see each other as much. So why I am whining? Good question. I have been arguing with God about several issues, and I am pretty sure He won. I know all of this stuff I am going through is for a greater purpose, but sometimes I want to say, "God, are you sure all of this is supposed to be happening to me?" I don't, because I know the answer. But I still want to ask sometimes.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

church history

Tonight is the first night of my church history class. I am really excited. Erin and Sarah asked me about it, and I said, "Sure, why not?" Sarah was happy because everyone but her is in a health/science related field. She and I are going to represent social and behavioral sciences. (Which is appropriate for a church history class.) I read the first chapter of the book, and I think it is going to be good. More to come on this...