is this going to happen to me?

I've always heard about the seven stages of grief...I have talked to many people that tell me that it will happen, people that have lost loved ones...Maybe since I am wondering if it is going to happen then I am in the disbelief stage...So I googled it so I could be self-aware in the next few months...Apparently everyone doesn't go through all seven stages, and some stages pass more quickly than others. (Also, there are several different versions that I found, but all were basically the same.) Hmm. Very interesting. Does it make it even more interesting that I am evaluating myself?

Seven Stages of Grief

1. Shock & Disbelief

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Guilt

6. Depression

7. Acceptance & Hope

I sat here a reflected over this list for a few minutes. I think that I grieved a lot while in Little Rock. I begged and pleaded with God and got mad at medical staff and wished things were different and played the "what if" game a million times. I am sure the seven stages can be cyclical. I think that the next few days will be hard, but there are definitely more difficult days to come. I talked to my mom at least twice a day. I went shopping with her. She was my enabler (in a good way). It drives me crazy that she won't know my kids, or see Chris become a doctor, or grow old with my dad, or be able to go to the beach with us, or tell me when I am wrong, or what I should do...I can't really think of a good ending for this post so I am just going to stop typing now.

perspectives shift (warning: unorganized and sad post follows)

I can't even begin to describe everything spinning around in my head now...HORRIFIED, relieved, confused, scared, sad, thankful, PEACEFUL...My thoughts are bouncing back and forth between my eternal perspective and my worldly perspective. My eternal perspective tells me to rejoice that my mother loved the Lord and served Him and is now in heaven. My worldly perspective doesn't know what to do without her...I miss her so bad already. I have missed talking to her the last week and a half...I will never be the same.


I KNOW that God will use this situation to glorify Himself. I KNOW that sometimes we pray and plead for things, but we are told firmly and gently, "No." I also know that Jesus felt these same emotions. Last night I was reading my Mom's Max Lucado book, and it was bookmarked on a page talking about that. I KNOW I will be okay, never the same, but okay. I KNOW that I am just a person, and God is God, and I don't have to understand why this happened. It happened because He allowed it to happen. I KNOW that He will use me to glorify Him.


I am sure people have a lot of questions, and there are many that I won't answer. Sometimes (a lot of times) people say dumb or weird things. You wouldn't believe the rumors from Jasper that people called asking us about (not just today, the past several weeks)...Word travels fast. We (Dad, Chris, Bryan, Lori, and me) were with my Mom when she passed away. We left Little Rock not too long after. I told Chris several days ago that I was standing by Mom while she was resting, and talking to God. I had an "AHA" moment. It was extremely difficult to be so far away and go through everything that happened in the last few months, but I will never have to go back to Little Rock, and that may help me cope. I was like, "Oh, okay God, I see now." A lot of people don't know what to say. That's okay. Just knowing that people are praying is enough. I will post the arrangements after we make them. It will be several days. Please continue to pray for us as we make plans and try to re-adjust our lives. Chris told me to be nice when people say inappropriate things, but I might write them down and post on my blog (haha, just kidding-sort of. Y'all know I have a warped sense of humor and I am going to use it or I might lose it).


Tomorrow I am going to get Morgan to do my hair and wax my lip (I just thought it was fuzzy two weeks ago...). Dad and I are going to spend the day together while Chris goes to school. He has a test Friday, and we want another A! Brooks is laying at my feet. He hasn't let me out of his sight since Connie and Patrick brought him to me. We have some serious catching-up to do. :) Oh, and Megan started brainstorming on a project several weeks ago. I will post and send out an email about it later, so let me know if you're interested...It's supersecrettopsecret right now, but we will reveal it in time. :)


Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:1-8

purse bibles are just as good as regular bibles

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. After my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes-I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! Job 19:25-27

Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against someone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Mark 11:24-25

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

So I didn't eat the cafeteria sushi...

Chris read my post from last night and called and told me that hospital cafeteria sushi is a bad idea, my parents don't need me to get food poisoning right now, lecture, lecture, lecture. It is not even raw fish sushi. The med student said the sushi chef makes it every day. I think it would be hilariously ironic to get food poisoning from hospital cafeteria food. I went to get a taco salad, but it was 2:45 and the cafeteria was out of tortilla bowls. I said, "Okay, I'll have chicken nachos instead." The cafeteria was out of chicken. So I got nachos with (cold) cheese dip and black beans and guacamole. I also bought two chocolate chip cookies and a THIRTY-THREE OUNCE REAL COKE! I hear people say all the time that regular coke is too sweet, once you get used to diet you won't like regular coke anymore, stuff like that. Let me tell you, fountain cokes are one of my favorite things on earth. Chris agrees with me, even though it is not healthy. At this point in my life, if my only addiction is regular coke, I think I will be just fine.

Much better day today. Attentive nurses and a very nice new physician. Thank you for all the prayers and emails and phones calls and text messages. It helps to hear from people! I am sure my blog posts will be more bizarre than usual because I am mostly trying to entertain myself. I bought the GRE study guide and vocab book. I was reading the vocab words, and I thought to myself, "Wow, I know almost all of these words! I must be pretty smart!" Then I really looked at how the book was organized, three parts: hard, harder, hardest. I was only reading the "hard" words. I guess I am not as smart as I think I am...

I emailed Chris this article (I email him sociology-related articles all the time, just to get on his nerves a little) and told him I could be a demographer. This is what his response was (notice I didn't edit):

it looks to me that we could take advantage of this situation and have children now while other women arent that way when the economy gets better and women quit there jobs to return to having children there will be many job openings for you since by then our children will be starting school. HA

He is so silly. I didn't email him to show him the greatness of the article (it isn't worth reading) but to show him that sociologists study demographics. Whatever.

I think I may go back to the bookstore tonight to buy some fun books. I can't really study right now, and it will be a few more weeks (at least) before we come home. Chris said that every time Brooks hears a car door he barks and runs to the door. That makes me sad. I know he doesn't understand what is going on. Chris won't admit it, but I think he is probably spoiling the dog. I would even bet that Brooks has been sleeping in the bed with Chris.

I just ate the two cookies and finished my coke...mmm good. I may start a new diet consisting of coke and cookies...Whatcha think about that, Dr. Shubert?

I wish I had something better to say

• Chris said that my diploma came in the mail today...It's officially official.


• I bought the Kaplan GRE study book last night, and the vocab terms book


• Chris said Brooks misses me. I fussed at Chris and told him to make sure Brooks is getting enough pets. He said he was.


• Chris has been running the dishwasher and washing clothes because he doesn't want me to be overwhelmed when I come home.


• Megan is teaching Quinn how to pray, and he said God today and nodded. That made my day. Then again, Quinn stories always make my day :)


• I ate a chicken taco salad from the hospital cafeteria today, and it was surprisingly GOOD. They have sushi, and I was skeptic, but a med student told me it was actually good. Tomorrow, I will be the determiner of that.


• I have been keeping up with this news story. Why, I am not sure. I think it is because my dad likes planes?


• I finally found some jobs to apply for, after I get home of course.


• I need my lip waxed REALLY bad.


• I have been so worried about my mom that it has shifted some of my focus...more on that later...

slow-burning fire

I read a book by Paul Loeb called Soul of a Citizen. In one part of the book it talks about taking the raging fury that can consume us and make us forget why we are fighting for change. Transfer that energy into a slow-burning fire, so that it can be used to change the world. This sounds a little weird (Chris doesn't approve of my "crazy liberal books") but it is very applicable in my life right now.

I am sure that everyone has read my mom's CaringBridge update by now. My dad asked me not to bash anyone in the update, so I will say what I need to say on my blog. (Yay for blogs!) We had another wild day. Last night was horrible. Mom's fever and cough worsened, and she also had tremors. We went to the clinic this morning. The nurse told us that the CT showed that Mom has pneumonia. I was shocked because Dr. Jerky McJerkerson didn't even want her to have a CT. Dad and I went (more like marched down the hall) to the charge nurse at the main desk. All of the other nurses and some other patients were within hearing distance. I asked the charge nurse what he was going to do. He kinda shrugged and stuttered and said there still weren't any rooms available. My hands were shaking because I was so infuriated. (My anger is not directed at him because there were no rooms but that it took so long for someone to admit that there was a problem.) There were stacks of charts on the counter, and I actually thought about throwing the charts down the hall. I knew it would cause a big mess and I WANTED to cause a big mess, to express how I was feeling at that moment. But I reeled it in, and told him that it was fine that they didn't have any rooms. I would just put her on a plane and we would take her to UAB because I know that they would admit her. I told him, "I WANT MY MOTHER TO BE ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL AND OBSERVED BY A PHYSICIAN!!!" He told me he understood, and he would consult with Dr. Jerky to see what they could do. I said no, that is not acceptable either, because he is a rude, terrible physician. His eyes got really wide and he said that he would call Dr. Jerk's boss. Okay, I can deal with that. We went to Mom's room, and I called her myeloma doctor's CELL PHONE and left a message. Dad called the head myeloma research nurse to tell her that we were going to be admitted at UAMS and if that wasn't possible then we were flying home to be admitted to UAB. She said that wasn't a good idea, and good ol' Dave said, "I'll tell you what isn't a good idea..." Anyway, a little while after all that she started coughing and got out of breath and started getting tremors, worse than last night. Her O2 level was 48 (90 is around normal). Her heart rate jumped to around 180, her nails got blue, and they couldn't detect a pulse. She was conscious during all of this, and her blood was circulating, not very well. A rapid response team came bursting in and put her on some oxygen, then carried her to ICU. It was so scary. The oxygen has helped get her heart rate back to normal, and she is still coughing some. Chris told me this morning that he thought it sounded like a fungal pneumonia, since the fever was not responding to antibiotics. After I got off the phone with Chris, I asked the charge nurse if she had been test for fungal pneumonia and he said that she had, and it was negative. Guess what the head infectious disease doc diagnosed her with at 5:30 tonight? PCP, which is fungal pneumonia, which is what a second year med student thought. (The smartest med student ever, and when am I gonna learn he is NEVER wrong about this stuff?) How frustrating to deal with such people! I am glad that she is FINALLY in a room, after 11 days of running fevers and Dad and myself telling people that something is not right. The head infectious disease physician seems to know what is going on. I will have a better judgement in the morning.

Back to the slow-burning fire. No one should go through what my mom did. She was so sick, and her symptoms should have been addressed last week. I am going to start by writing a letter, and maybe sending some emails, and I will probably make a few more phone calls. I have really thought about what to say. I have to keep my anger suppressed but still existing in order to express my thoughts and concerns in a manner that will be heard. I am not doing this to say, "I told you so," I am simply demanding (yes, demanding) better care for myeloma patients, especially the ones that temporarily move to Little Rock for treatment. What makes me so mad is that her myeloma is in full remission and she is doing great in that aspect, but the wahoos at UAMS can't even tell when a patient has pneumonia? Unacceptable. Mom has to come back two more times for chemo consolidation, plus every few months for testing. These problems MUST be dealt with. I insist.

There is a lot from today that I left out. I am running on fumes, so I am going to bed now. Feel free to ask questions, because this may not make any sense at all as I type thru my delirium...

Please continue to pray for patience for me. Peace for my dad. Healing for my mom.

most frustrating day

Whew. Take a breath. We are finally home from the hospital. I did not strangle anyone. I didn't even yell. I raised my voice a little, but just loud enough to be taken seriously.

My mom has been fighting a fever for over a week. She goes to a clinic every day, but she doesn't see a physician every day, just once a week. Her physician's office is in a different building. I was already frustrated that no one was addressing her fever. One-oh-three and one-oh-four fevers are not something that should be taken lightly, especially in a person with no immune system. I was also frustrated because the nurses at the clinic were inconsistent in hand-washing and verifying name and date of birth (these kind of mistakes lead to things like RSV or drug errors). I expressed these concerns to the myeloma doctor. She didn't understand why the nurses at the clinic did not seek a physician's advice over Mom's situation. Then the myeloma doctor called an infectious disease specialist in the room to see Mom. I told him that someone had dropped the ball (those were my exact words) and I wanted to know why this hadn't been addressed. Apparently, he was the ball-dropper. He got all defensive. I told him there was no need to be defensive, I just want her issues to be addressed NOW. He said that if Dad and I couldn't take care of her, then she should be admitted. I told him that we were perfectly capable of taking care of her, but that I thought it was spectacular for her to be admitted so she could be observed by someone besides nurses. (I am NOT bashing nurses, nurses are great. I just feel in this situation a physician/s should have been involved.) He snapped at Dad when Dad told him that the antibiotics weren't helping. He called for her to be admitted, only to discover that there were no beds in the hospital. We waited about an hour while the nurses argued on the phone for a bed, no luck. He said we could go to the ER (gross, germs, STILL no bed) or back to the clinic. We went to the clinic and got more fluids. We also found out that the infectious disease doctor did not order the fluids and tests Mom needed. What a jerk. We finally got that straight, after I threatened to take her to UAB (oh yes, I did). Her myeloma doctor and the infectious disease doctor seemed to be clashing over course of treatment. We went and had a CT scan. No one can tell us if the RSV is causing the fever. She has no other symptoms, she tested positive on a culture. I understand that antibiotics don't help viral infections, and I understand that there isn't a test to diagnose the flu or a common cold, and I understand that her immune system is compromised so her body reacts differently than normal. I don't understand how someone can think it is no big deal for a person to be fighting a one-oh-four fever for over a week. Anyway, I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day. I don't think I have ever been so frustrated in my life. I also told myeloma doctor and jerky doctor that we came to UAMS because it is supposed to be the best, but I did not feel that we had received the best treatment. The standard of care received was poor, and it is unacceptable for it to continue. I also told a nurse that we pay the insurance company that pays the clinic and physicians, and they are providing a service to us.

I didn't yell today. I don't regret anything I said or did today. My mom is fighting for her life, and my dad is right beside her. I don't mind speaking up for them. If things don't improve in the next few days, I will jump up and down on someones desk if that's what I have to do to get some quality care. I am praying really hard that it doesn't come to that. I know that my God reigns, and He is in control. We will go home when it's time.

I'm so dizzy my head is spinnin'

Day two in Little Rock. It has been a rough day all around. We went to the clinic this morning. Mom's CRP fell, which is good news. She has felt bad all day. It has been a struggle to get her to take her medicine. It seems to take all her energy just to swallow some pills. Her fever is trying to come back. She also vomited a few times and she has coughed a lot. Tomorrow we are supposed to see the physician. Hopefully we can get them to run more tests and find out what is going on with her.

On top of that, my vertigo has made a comeback. Friday night I took a shower and I was packing and I felt dizzy, but I thought it was stress. I was rushing around and tried not to think about it. Yesterday I was fine. Today when we got home from the hospital I knew my vertigo was messing with my head. I don't have my medicine, but Chris told me to take two anti-histamines and go to bed. I will do that soon, because we have to be at the clinic at 7am tomorrow.

Chris starts classes tomorrow. I hate that I am not going to be there to help him transition. I didn't really have time to get his stuff ready for the week. There are some leftovers in the freezer and he has clean dresses shirts and underoos, so I think he can make it until I get back.

"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes." ~Mel Brooks

why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?

This morning at 4am I was awakened by that giant but adorable yellow creature named Brooks. I was peacefully sleeping and I sort of remember hearing him in the kitchen eating. All of a sudden, while I was lying in bed, he put his mouth over my nose! Aside from the gross-factor, it was a little bit startling. He didn't bite me, it was just his way of saying, "Wake up and open the door. You know I don't have thumbs or I would do it myself." (Brooks is fascinated by opposable thumbs.) I think he just meant to nudge me, or I guess he could have done it on purpose. He is pretty mischievous. I knew Chris's alarm was going to go off at 4:30 (it's a surgery day) so I turned on the light and read some Shel Silverstein. Maybe that is why I feel especially silly. Or maybe it's all that coffee. Since I was awake and we had buttermilk in the fridge, I made pancakes.

I am job-searching online. Yesterday I worked on my resume. Today I am going to organize the closet in the guest room. I might vacuum the dog hair out of my car. I think I might go to Hobby Lobby. For what, I am not sure. But I know I will find it there.

Last night I got out some of my Silverstein books because I was hoping to inspire some creativity. I heart Shel Silverstein. I think a person loves or hates Silverstein work. Chris thinks his work is weird. I think he is brilliant.

Pancake?

Who wants a pancake,

Sweet and piping hot?

Good little Grace looks up and says,

"I'll take the one on top."

Who else wants a pancake,

Fresh off the griddle?

Terrible Theresa smiles and says,

"I'll take the one in the middle."

~Silverstein

dusting baseboards is my least favorite chore

I haven't posted lately because there hasn't been much to post. I have been sleeping a lot, reading Jane Eyre again, and cooking. That's about it. I did get out of the house Monday to go to the banks and to purchase groceries. I have been organizing here and there, but no real progress. My motivation comes in waves. Yesterday I washed all of the serving pieces above the kitchen cabinets and did six loads of laundry. Today I mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, and I am procrastinating about the baseboards. It hurts my back and knees to dust them. Oh well. Brooks has enjoyed me being at home with him. Tomorrow I may or may not apply for some jobs. I don't have much to say, so I will post our menu for the week. (I guess having a menu and sticking to it is an accomplishment.)

Monday-Taco Soup

Tuesday-Prosciutto and Arugula Pizza (I even made the dough.)

Wednesday-Spicy chicken with sauteed collards

Thursday-Chicken Salsa

Friday-Asian meatballs with edamame and rice

Now back to those baseboards...

but-can-you-go-back-once-you-know?

I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?
Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

~~~

On our way to Little Rock, Chris and I had an interesting conversation. This is just an overview.

Chris asked me how my mind works. Weird, yes, and even harder to explain. I thought a moment. The best explanation I could come up with is this: My mind is like a big room, with lots of thoughts spinning around. All of my thoughts are in that room, spinning around, and I am focused on some thoughts more than others. That is why sometimes I forget things, but I still remember more than you (Chris) because I can have many thoughts at once.

Chris said that his mind really only focuses on one thought at one time. Like his mind has different compartments for each thought. He also said that when I complain about something, he wants to fix it.

So tell me, how does your mind work?

the resolution(s)

Resolutions aren't always a bad thing. Last year my only resolution was to be more organized. NOT to be the most organized person EVER, just to improve my organization skills (or lack thereof). And it worked. Our closets are orderly, as are most of the kitchen cabinets. I have given up on the pantry. Every couple of weeks Chris comes behind me and straightens it up for me. I was better about keeping my school stuff in order. And our garage, well, it's not so great. But my point is I feel like I bettered myself. And that feels good.

Some resolutions for 2009:

Take the GRE. This is gonna be sooner than later because the job market is non-existent so I might as well study.

Make an appointment for the eye doctor. Apparently my husband knows what he is talking about. My right eye is getting worse. Oh, and I need to go to the dentist, too.

Be healthier. Brooks and I are going to start jogging around the neighborhood again. And I am going to start planning our weekly menus again. We always eat better when I do that.

Spend more time with Chris. It seems that this is a constant problem in our relationship. Since we won't be commuting together, we might get to see each other about four hours a week or something like that. Scariness. I guess med school just helps couples get ready for residency...

Find a job. There is an opening at a place that I REALLY REALLY want to work, but I am not sure if I meet all of the qualifications. I am going to apply anyway. If that doesn't work out, I am going to get a part-time job while I study for the GRE. Because I am really bored.

Be less flaky. Yes, I have got to be one of the biggest flakes ever. I am not sure how to be less flaky, but I am sure that Chris will be more than glad to hold me accountable to this resolution. (Isn't it hilarious that a flaky person is making resolutions?)

Have an eternal perspective. This is my most important resolution. A few weeks ago at church, Buddy told us we need to have an eternal perspective, because that is God's perspective. This really stuck with me. So often I get caught up in worldliness and petty little every day things, and I forget. I am so thankful that God doesn't forget about me.

"Better is possible. It does not take genius. It takes diligence. It takes moral clarity. It takes ingenuity. And above all, it takes a willingness to try." ~Atul Gawande

reflections of the year...

Chris figured out this whole med school thing...top fifteen percent....

we tried our hand (and paw) at duck hunting...

went to Nashville, always fun times...

learned what multiple myeloma is...

and how a family deals with it...

stayed with my parents for about twelve weeks straight, only coming home on the weekends...

Chris got involved in some promising research and got two publications...

went to the beach...

Brooks learned how to escape the crate...

became obsessed with Twilight...

quit going to the gym in September...

most all of our married friends had babies or are having babies next year...

internship at Partlow...

Chris turned twenty-four...

almost got my tail kicked by a research paper, but made an A in the end...

graduated...

turned twenty-three...

became a housewife...

made some silly resolutions for 2009.