i am awesome

check out my painting. it's okay to be jealous of my mad artistic skills.

five weeks

Today has been five weeks since I have had a conversation with my mother. So far, the hardest thing for me has been fighting the urge to pick up the phone and call her. I am pretty sure that it won't get better, but I will remember more quickly that I can't call her. Like last week, Erin and I were decorating cupcakes and I wanted to call and ask her what icing tip to use to make flowers, or I wanted to call and tell her about Chris's conference, and call and tell her how silly Brooks has been lately. I am posting this to remind all of you to pick up the phone and CALL YOUR MOTHER! Even if she rambles for thirty minutes about seemingly unimportant things, or tells you what to do, or complains about work or family, call her. I promise you will miss it when you can't do it anymore.

church history

Tonight is the first night of my church history class. I am really excited. Erin and Sarah asked me about it, and I said, "Sure, why not?" Sarah was happy because everyone but her is in a health/science related field. She and I are going to represent social and behavioral sciences. (Which is appropriate for a church history class.) I read the first chapter of the book, and I think it is going to be good. More to come on this...

the silliest smart person, part II

A few months ago, I posted about Chris's poster project. A few minutes ago, he got an email saying that he was chosen to speak in Galveston, Texas, in April! We didn't think he was going to get to go, since he didn't place at UAB. I am going to tag along, since the conference is at the Hilton Galveston Island Resort. Oh, also, Chris made a one hundred on his test today. Again. And we are going to eat at Chuck's with some Tuscaloosa friends. Good day!

There Will Be a Day~Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

(Chorus)

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing

round two

Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I drove to Jasper (Brooks had a fit to go, so he tagged along) to meet my dad. I left Brooks at his house, and we drove to Winfield to pick out a "monument" (it's a tombstone, okay) for Mom's grave. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but it bothered me all day. And I was in the car a looong time, so I had a lot of time to think. (I have been thinking about pre-planning my own funeral. Morbid? Yes. More on that later.) After we took care of that, we came back to Jasper to run a few errands. I cleaned Dad's house for him and helped him sort mail. I swapped my camera with my mom's camera. I was also supposed to bring an exercise bike home, but I forgot. I guess we see where my priorities are? Or aren't? On my way out of Walker County, I dropped off our taxes and ran by Chris's grandparents. I met Kristie in Hoover. She made us dinner. I am so glad that our church has been bringing dinner. At first, I thought, "I stay at home, I don't need people to bring us dinner!" but it has been such a relief. It is harder than I thought it would be to get up and try to act normal. Today I woke up, feeling sorry for myself. Such a bad attitude. I think I have made it through all of the stages of grief, and it has started over except that I am experiencing everything AT THE SAME TIME! That is what it seems like, anyway. Luckily, I have lunch plans with Amy and Tyler. Days are better when I get up and get ready and get out of the house.

On the way to Winfield, I went by Cowboy Way to see if they could fix Chris's Justin boot. The stitch is coming out of it, and he got them in October. They took the old ones and ordered him new ones. I was very pleased with their customer service, but Chris is going to be a little bumfuzzled without his beloved boots for a few days. And he'll have to break the new boots in when they arrive. To add to the bumfuzzle-ment, the kind of coffee Chris drinks is no longer being sold. He drinks Member's Mark Colombian from Sam's. It really is good coffee. I need to check online to make sure, but we can't find it in stores. This morning we couldn't find his hat. And he had heartburn last night so he didn't sleep. Did I mention that it is test week and Chris always freaks out, and all of the other stuff just adds to the madness? (I think the freaking out is why he makes A's on tests.) Thursday or Friday Chris is supposed to plan stuff for third year, and last night he was talking about residency and fellowships and interviews and moving to Texas (even though Texas is a little better than Minnesota) and a lot of other things that I didn't want to talk about after my insane day. I guess we will talk today. I just hate thinking about all of that stuff. It is overwhelming. Tomorrow is Chris's LAST OSCE (the practice h&p) so we will practice tonight. That is usually not fun, because I will get a lecture about my right eye and how it shouldn't hurt when he palpates my liver. (Has anyone ever palpated Chris's liver? I didn't think so. IT HURTS!)

appealing

Everything seems to be okay. I didn't even go back to sleep after Chris left this morning. I have been cleaning house, ironing, sorting receipts, and applying for jobs. Saturday I mailed about eighty thank you notes, and got the rest in the mail today. Sometimes I have temporary mental collapse sometimes (see?), but it never lasts more than a few minutes. I think I tell people the same things over and over, but so far everyone has been super nice.

Yesterday in our group discussion in Sunday School, we were asked to describe a personal encounter with God. Several people shared some good stuff. I thought I could share one of my experiences without crying, but when I tried, I could barely choke out the words. Then I looked around and half of my group was crying, too. I didn't mean to make people cry, I was trying to share my experience. So maybe I can share it here, and make it make sense. I have shared a little in a previous post, but I am going to give the detailed version.

Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24
I read this verse while sitting in my mom's hospital room. I remember telling God, "God, I DO believe what I pray. I PROMISE! Just fix it! I want all of this to get better!" And God was like, "Okay, Amanda, what are you really praying for, because THAT is what you need to believe." After thinking about that for a while, I realized my prayer was for my mom to not have any pain or suffering, and that I just wanted her to be okay. Then the following Monday night (the night before she died), while reading my mom's Max Lucado book, I realized that God DOES say no to what we ask Him for, but it is all for His glory. I am not going to lie, that was tough to swallow because I knew at that moment what was going to happen. I think I already knew it, it finally sank in though. Then I thought back to that Friday...My prayer was for my mom to be okay...and God DID answer my prayer because she is MORE THAN OKAY! I just cried and cried, because I felt RELIEF that my mom was going to be with the Lord. I am at peace with that. I still miss her like crazy, but God provided in more ways than I can count.

THAT is what I tried to say in Sunday School. Chris says that I am a better blogger than speaker, so I guess that is why I put that on here. I am pretty sure that I couldn't say it aloud and make it sound like it needs to, and I am not even sure if all of that makes sense to anyone but me, but hopefully it does. Feel free to leave a comment with a personal encounter with God if you want to share.

Last year I took a personality class, which was the most ridiculous class ever, but I did gain a different perspective (thank you, sociology). We were talking about different religions. Christianity is THE ONLY belief that focuses on a PERSONAL relationship with God. Other religions believe in reincarnation or the followers are viewed as a mass or other things. After I die (physically) my soul will be in heaven, I will be the same being, only better. I won't turn into a cow, or fade into darkness. I will worship HIM eternally! I had never really thought about it like that. I took for granted how great salvation is! Anyway, I said all that to point out that (even though the class was outrageous) I found one more appealing thing about loving God!

i just want to be okay today

I am very tempted to mope around in my sweatpants today. That would be the easy thing to do. I finished the thank you notes and addressed them, there a few that I have to ask my dad about because I am not sure how he wants me to address them. I am going to make myself clean out the guestroom closet and paint my toenails. I also have to pay bills (all three of them, ha). It is so cold outside, I wish that Brooks knew how to put mail in the mailbox. He brings us the newspaper out of the driveway. Sometimes the paper falls out of the wrapper, so we just get the wrapper, but he tries so hard.

My Aunt Vernell just called and she is about to stop by for a visit, so I guess I won't be able to mope in sweatpants. It's strange how what I want to do is the exact opposite of what God needs me to do :)

*****

Vernell and her friend just left. I had about thirty minutes to wipe down everything in my house and make the beds and put a bandanna on Brooks. I needed to get up and do all that anyway, since the Crawleys and the Stephens are bringing dinner to us tonight. I am still trying to talk myself out of organizing the guest room closet...I also need to do some pilates. And eat some lunch. And maybe some ice cream.

deepest shade of blue

I am taking a break. I have been writing thank you notes. I meant to start earlier today, but I was pretty busy unpacking and cleaning house and washing clothes. Brooks got a bath today. He is so tired from traveling and company that he didn't even fight me. Things got crazy around theshuberthome in the past four weeks! Everything looks great now, except for a corner in the green room. I will get around to it before the weekend. I fixed myself a glass of wine and turned on Norah Jones and started writing thank you notes. I have written and addressed about forty so far. Many people have offered to help, but I am an independent only child, and I want to do them all myself. My goal is to have all thank you notes completed and mailed by Friday. I am still so touched by how many people care about my family! There were so many flowers and phones calls and visits and emails and cards. My Sunday School will be bringing food a few times in the next two weeks. Chris&Dori brought us dinner tonight and stayed and ate with us. It was great!

We have dealt with some unnecessary things in the past few days...Dad and I were opening mail yesterday and found a refund check from his insurance company. His home owner's insurance had been cancelled (almost two weeks prior) because of their swimming pool, and no one called to inform him! I called my agent and we got everything taken care of and swapped over, but that is NOT what we needed to deal with the day after Mom's funeral. On top of that, those family members mentioned from the previous post are still being totally ridiculous. I am going to send a thank you note to them, telling them that we forgive them for their childish behavior (even though they didn't apologize). Apparently, they got confused in their old age and thought that the funeral and viewing was about them, and not my mother. After I send the note, I am letting it go :) You may think I am kidding, but I am not. I ran out of niceness about four weeks ago.

Tomorrow, I am meeting Megan in Birmingham for lunch after her glucose test. The test won't be fun, but lunch will be. Pray that everything goes well for her. Friday my Dad is coming to our house. Yesterday I inherited the green boat. The green boat is not a boat at all, it is just the name Chris and I gave Mom's Expedition a few years ago because it is so giant. My dad didn't want it, so he gave it to me. I think I might start some serious job hunting next week. I am trying to keep my mind busy. That's all for today, folks.

what now?

That is really the only thought in my head. Tomorrow Chris will go back to school, Dad will go back to work, and my grandparents will go back to Florida. Brooks and I are going back to Tuscaloosa to unpack and wash clothes and see what kind of shape the house is in...I almost don't remember what my own house looks like. I will probably work on some thank you notes. Dad is coming to our house tomorrow night for dinner. He will be staying with us on and off for the next few weeks, or however long he feels like. We all have a different kind of hurt, so we all have to re-adjust our lives in a different way.

Tuesday night Chris&Dori are bringing dinner to our house. Wednesday I am eating lunch with Megan. I am going to try to have lunch with Amy one day this week or next week (haven't we been trying to get together since August?). One day I am going with Dad to help him pick out a new cell phone. I also have to help him pay bills, since he is pretty new at handling all that stuff.

I didn't even cry last night at the funeral home. I just couldn't, knowing that my mom is in heaven. There were A LOT of people that came to the viewing and the funeral. It was all kind of a blur, a slow-motion blur. Chris said it went by too fast, but I couldn't agree. I only teared up a little today, because I hurt for my dad. I thought the service was very appropriate for my mom. The white casket/white flowers turned out exactly how I wanted it to. (This is turning into a somewhat morbid post, but oh well.) The songs were great.

There were a couple of encounters with dumb people. Most all of them were relatives (actually all three of the dumb encounters were with relatives from one side of the fam, and I am very tempted to state which side, but I won't right now) and they are so dumb that they will never know how silly and inappropriate they acted. And they don't read my blog (I know for a fact) so I guess they will continue to live in ignorance forever. Sigh. If they did read my blog, then they would have had an advanced warning of my intolerance for ridiculousness. Everyone else had wonderful things to say about my mom and dad, or they just said they didn't know what to say. I was overwhelmed by the turn-out. Many people traveled a long way to be there, and I am grateful for that. My parents are truly an incredible example. My mom was such a wonderful lady.

People kept telling me things like, "You're so strong," or "You're such an inspiration," but I don't really feel like that at all. I feel like God placed my family and me exactly where He needed us to be, and He set the standards of how we were supposed to act (re-act? adapt? behave? obey? I think obey works best here), and we rose to the occasion. At least, I feel like we did. I want my mom's story to continue. I guess I typed all of this to say that I am not sure exactly what to do now. But whatever comes next doesn't really matter. God has that figured out for me.